tsexrex

it was all a dream

molls:

In 2005, I met a man who seemed so much better than me that I couldn’t even speak to him. I don’t think we ever made eye contact that first summer that I met him. I was 21. I feel like I was a little girl compared to the person I am now. A child, a fool, a clueless little idiot who had no idea where her life was about to take her. I still had a year of school left in Boston, and when I finished that I returned to LA to make my dreams come true.

In late 2007, back in Los Angeles, I bumped in to that man in a bar. He looked so different from the first time I saw him, but I was still completely enchanted. Enchanted is exactly the word I want to use. I didn’t worship him, but his presence put a spell on me. I think it’s safe to say that I knew I could love him from that very moment.

We dated for three months. I thought he was boring. I broke up with him. I missed his boring ass every single day for eight months. I called him one night and so much had changed in both of our lives that when he invited me over, I said yes without hesitation. It was that yes that lead me to where I am today.

For the next year and a half, I blindly loved him. Foolishly loved him. It was the kind of relationship where we never, ever fought, hardly disagreed, never wanted anything more from the other than what we were naturally born to give another person. It was unlike any kind of boy-girl scenario I had ever been in. It was adult. There was never screaming. There were rarely tears of sadness. There was constant laughter. There was deadbolt security. I felt like I found family. I felt like I had a full, whole, completed heart.

We went through stages of “Let’s run off to Vegas and get married. We don’t have to tell anyone, we don’t even have to live together. Let’s just go do this because there’s nothing else we’re so sure about in our lives.” There’d be moments where we’d be in a room full of people, and we were the only two laughing. Laughing so hard our sides would hurt in the morning. Belly laughter. The kind you can’t fake. The kind that makes you feel like a genius because you really “get it”. Whatever we were laughing at, it was our joke, it was for us, and it was beautiful. My life had the appearance of a frat boy comedy and the feeling of True Romance. I woulda taken pistol whips to the face for one million days if it meant that we’d wind up on a beach together someday, you know what I mean? No? Well then you need to brush up on your 90s film history.

Love aside, I have been through it in this town. Failed television pilots. At least three of them. A seriously struggling career, back-stabbing bullshit friends, more debt than I can even begin to pay off. Lay-offs, betrayal, disappointment. I’ve had the quintessential LA story, so back the fuck off, Steve Martin movie. I AM LA story.

However, none of that, and I mean NONE of that, has ever put me in a place like I’m in now. I thought that losing a man would never feel like the worst thing to ever happen to me. I thought that was an impossible idea, completely impossible because I am Molly Fucking McAleer. I am invested in ME. I have people who are amazing who are invested in me and have faith in me like I mostly don’t even feel I deserve. None of this was supposed to turn out so well, but it sure as fucking hell wasn’t supposed to turn out this way, either. Me, alone on a bed that I can’t even be bothered to find sheets for, unable to eat without forcing it down, unable to speak without sounding disingenuous, unable to decide if I ever want to see anyone again or just be around people constantly. I would say I feel completely insane, but I insanity seems to involve too much emotion. I feel like a single pool floaty that’s been ripped in half by the family dog and has found its final resting place behind an oak tree in the backyard where no one will ever find it. Dead, dirty, retired, forgotten plastic.

I’ve realized that the reason why this whole thing is killing me so much is because I was living one of my dreams. Every day that I spent with that guy or knowing that that guy was there for me and was in love with me too, every one of those days was something that I wanted and I got. At 25, I had exactly what I wanted when I was 21. I saw my very own dream come alive and it was so much better than I ever expected.

I will never be angry at him. I will never be angry at myself. I will never be anything but terribly disappointed because that dream was not a reality.

i had the brew she had the chronic. the lakers beat the supersonics

did that twilight movie open yet? i haven't been able to find out anything about it.

everybody knows that the bird is the word.

now get it right or pay the price.